Eat Your Cake, And Hers – And His

To have one’s cake and eat it too is a popular English idiomatic proverb or figure of speech, sometimes stated as eat one’s cake and have it too or simply have one’s cake and eat it. It is most often used negatively, meaning an individual having or wanting more than one can handle or deserve, or trying to have two incompatible things.

-Trusty Wikipedia

Bisexuality: like 9/11, Illuminati and Miley Cyrus’ virginity – it’s a big, fat crock of conspiratorial tripe. It does exist, this much I can support. However, its existence is founded on a purely superficial level. Bisexuality is not an orientation, it’s a trial run for the inevitable leap toward homosexual territory. Those too afraid of having a definite label upon themselves, or those too afraid of ostracism from a familiar crowd will commonly use the ‘lolol I’m bisexual’ excuse as a way to avoid having to man up and face the gay chorus.

The proof is in the pudding, folks. How many ‘bisexuals’ do you know that sailed along this faux moniker, only to end up permanently switching teams after finally coming to terms with coming out?

Scenario: you follow your bestie (now FULLY gay) to the gay club, hold his drink while he gets nasty with a twink or two, left feeling obligated to remind yourself that just a week before, this guy was involved in steady relationship with a lovely lass, only to suddenly and without hesitation – cut her out of his life completely as though she didn’t belong in the first place.

Posing as a heterosexual, dating woman (or men) and ditching them following a homosexual epiphany is a foul practice that should not be happening in this day and age – yet it continues to occur with no sign of slowing down. What’s worse is, instead of coming out, to have certain types of individual refusing to just be honest with those around them (they needn’t be honest with themselves, they know exactly what they’re doing). Instead of embracing a solid hetero or homo orientation – they choose to sit with a smug expression upon the off-white bisexuality fence; swinging their legs, tongues poked, middle fingers raised – idealistic representations of what the bisexual ‘orientation’ signifies.

Nothing is more amusing than meeting homosexuals with more camp in them than the entire cast and crew of Glee, to then have them inform me that they are indeed identifying themselves as bisexual. Puh-lease, girlfriends – you ain’t fooling nobody with your allusions to ‘beef curtain poking’ exploits. I get why this is STILL happening though.

It comes down to personality.

It comes down to being unable to find comfort in ones own skin. No matter how fabulously free you appear to be on the outside – you’re still haunted by the primary school taunts, the GAY IS BAD lectures drummed in to you at a young age. You know which crowd is a prominent abuser of the bisexual label? The scene kids. Not only is your LIEsexuality a walking mockery, it’s also your local teen posse’s new fashion accessory. All you need is a Twilight t-shirt and you’d fit right in.

So yeah, fine, you’re a little damaged. Sort your shit out within yourself before alerting everyone to your orientation. Because, good intentions aside – you don’t like girls, little Jimmy. You may think you do because you saw Debbie Does Dallas and popped a woody over it, but you would be wrong. It was Dallas that had you sexually riled, not Debbie and, and - a vagina on-screen is very different to a vagina on your face. Have you seen the movie Alien, Jimmy? That’s what having sex with a girl is like.

Please, tell me now you’re still bisexual. Bi is a lie, deal with it.